Sexy n****s ain't rare, but People magazine would have folks thinking so when it crowned the good sir John Legend People's "2019 Sexiest Man Alive"— well, not exactly folk-folk, but the "other folk." Now, this is no slight to the "Ordinary People," crooner — I mean, he's aiight in a cute kinda rodent way, but kinging him "sexiest" is a stretch.
Sorry to this man, but People tried it. The public knows it:
Snoop Dogg knows it:
Legend and his wife Chrissy Teigen knows:
1995 John would be very perplexed to be following 2018 @IdrisElba as #SexiestManAlive. Hell, 2019 John is about as equally perplexed but thank you @People for finding me sexy. I'll take it 🤓 pic.twitter.com/Gw1la5Ebv4— John Legend (@johnlegend) November 13, 2019
People magazine should damn-well know this. The famed "Sexiest Man Alive" list is now in its 34th year and remains as whitewashed as any other Anglo-American listicle of its kind. To date, Legend joins just three other Black legends who have made the list: Denzel Washington (1996), Dwayne Johnson (2016) and Idris Elba (2018), respectively.
Much to my dismay — and a healthy obsession for setting records straight — here are 15 n****s who are way sexier than John Legend:
1. Myles Garrett
Myles Garrett is so much more than a Cleveland Browns defensive end, who will bust yo head if you come for him. Seriously, this ripped, pecan-tanned bawdy puts all 34 years of People's "Sexiest Man Alive" list to shame. The star athlete bared all in this year's "Body Issue" for ESPN the Magazine: ass, abs, biceps, triceps, hamstrings, obliques, wings, guns. F**k a snack. Garrett is a whole ass buffet of sexy.
2. Iman Shumpert
NBA baller Iman Shumpert is the human manifestation of the word sexy. He is 6'5" of sexy. He is six-pack abs of steel sexy. He is bedroom-eyes sexy. Tatted-up chest and back sexy. Crushing on his wife and baby sexy. Teyana Taylor be knowing.
3. Mahershala Ali
Grown man sexy cannot be overstated. Ali clearly meditates, moisturizes and minds his motherf***in' business. His sexy, smoked charcoal complexion can illuminate any room, any platform — and surely a People magazine cover.
Aubrey Drake Graham has been holding it down for the light-skinned negroes for 11 summers, and we are thankful for that. We've enjoyed watching his biceps and lats swell. Watching his beard mature has been a pleasure. Champagne Papi, we thanks you.
5. Odell Beckham Jr.
Cleveland Browns' wide receiver Odell Beckham is nothing short of sexy. His sexy arse makes floor lamps, iPhones, tattoos and Calvin Klein drawers look especially good, as with most objects that join him in this here skin flick.
6. Jason Derulo
Derulo is talented. He also has looks that accompany that talent. Sometimes his looks eclipse talent. Sometimes talent doesn't matter — because looks. Sometimes is now.
7. Kofi Siriboe
This chocolate drop from Queen Sugar is sexy as f**k. While he gets mad respect for his Ralph Angel acting abilities, it was his cameo in Girls Trip that piqued curiosity. Fans had questions. Inquiring minds wanted to know, "what that eggplant do?"
8. Yahya Abdul-Mateen II
Abdul-Mateen's sexy ass introduced many to his sexy-ass physique in the Netflix series The Get Down, where he was cast as the villainous drug dealer Cadillac. Tuning into the 12-part drama, to salivate over Abdul-Mateen's semi-shirtless chest and pelvic gyrations was a no brainer.
9. Winston Duke
All hell in Wakanda broke loose when the character M'Baku took the screen in Ryan Coogler's Black Panther. The 6'5" Trini captivated the audience with his performance, stature and his sexy. Did People magazine not see this?
First, do y'all recognize all the flyness and Black boy joy at play? Do you y'all see those dimples? Do y'all see that infectious smile? The lips? How 'bout that rich, thick, North, cack-a-lack drawl? All that is equals sexy. DaBaby oozes that s**t in the most down-home, organic ways.
11. A$AP Rocky
Rakim is beautiful. If he says less and keeps his hands to himself, he'll be that much more beautiful.
12. Billy Porter
The Pose actor is known for shutting s**t down on red carpets from New York to Los Angeles. His couture style and attitude is sexy-sexy. People magazine totally dropped the ball on this one.
13. Derrick Jaxn
When this social media influencer is not sitting in his vehicle critiquing Black culture and dropping dating and relationship advice, he's usually trolling us with selfies from the gym, or other images that highlight his greatest physical assets. This nilgrim could literally switch his hustle, become a sexy calendar model and still thrive.
14. Mustafa Shakir
Surely you recognize this face from the second season of Marvel's Luke Cage, since Shakir played the f**k outta his role as Bushmaster. Of course, we were interested in more of Shakir so we took our search off screen and onto social media. There, you can get an ample dose of all the smoke: sexy smile and chiseled bawdy.
15. David Banner
David Banner has come along way from his "Like a Pimp" days. He's out here being all respectable and s**t, speaking the good gospel and looking extra delicious on his Instagram posts. That smile alone is more than enough to snag that People cover, but have you seen that beard?
Method Man from the Wu-Tang Clan is a sexy motherf***er personified. Meth hydrates. His Frigidaire is fully stocked with alkaline water. He sips from the fountain of youth — which must be installed in his backyard — and has done so over the last 25 years.
People magazine needs to get its s**t together.